Lessons From a Non-Dater on How to Find Your One & Only (Segment 2)

As I mentioned in my last post, my first year back to school after my mission had a very miserable side to it. Amid that trial, however, I learned several incredible lessons that made the misery worth it. I began to learn one such lesson as my best friend and I drove back to school after celebrating our birthdays together at home. The date was Sunday, September 11, 2011. After several failed attempts to find a stake center along our route that was playing the CES devotional, my friend began streaming the talk through her cell phone and we even figured out a way to get the sound on the car speakers. By the time we had overcome the technical difficulties, however, Sister Oaks was already speaking. While I missed a good portion of the talk, what I did hear became my guiding light during that difficult year.

Sister Oaks specifically directed her talk toward the single adults of the church since—having been single until she was 53—she considered herself an expert on the subject. In her talk, she discussed several eternal truths that will protect us from discouragement. It was the third truth she shared that began to change my approach (and attitude) about finding my "one and only." She taught:

Our responsibility is to become the best disciples of Christ we can become. On one occasion, full of worry and frustration about my single situation and my advancing years, I went to a priesthood leader for a blessing to strengthen me. The words spoken in that blessing stay with me to this day and ring truer to me as time passes. I can still quote them: “If you cannot bear the difficulties and challenges of single life, you will never be able to bear the difficulties and challenges of married life.” I sat a bit stunned. Those words were a call to action for me to make my life wonderful regardless of any situation or difficulty I faced. If I made a happy single life for myself, it would determine the happiness I would have as a married woman." (Sister Oaks, 2011)

I add my testimony to that of Sister Oaks. Her words would come back to me time and time again as I faced my own single-life challenges. If I could not be happy as a single person, why would I expect to be happy as a married person? I began to understand that while great happiness is found in marriage, happiness cannot depend on another person making me happy. True happiness comes from the Lord. If I was unhappy as a single person, it was not because I had failed to find my "one and only," it was because I had failed in my relationship with God. The happiness that He gives us is good whether we're single or married.

I remembered Sister Oaks' words one night after an especially hard day when I realized I had gotten my priorities all messed up. It wasn't that my desire to get married and have a family was bad, rather, I had let my worries cloud out my most important duty: discipleship. I made a commitment to myself that night to never get so miserable over my dating situation that I would forget to be a disciple of Christ. I felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't know how (or like) to date, but I did know how to be a disciple of Christ.

When I began to focus on my discipleship instead of my dating inadequacies, things began to change. When I had focused on dating, I felt like I had to become like the girls who seemed to go on lots of dates, but I didn't want or feel like I could be like them. When I began to focus on discipleship, however, God began to change the things about me that really mattered. Suddenly, it wasn't about being flirtatious, it was about being charitable. It wasn't about how many dates I could get asked on, it was about how many people I could serve. It wasn't about another person or any one relationship making me happy, it was about how I could make others happy. When discipleship became my focus, I found happiness.

Then, once I got my priorities straight, the Lord taught me one of the greatest lessons about marriage I have ever learned in my unmarried life. Christmas brought me home and face to face with the reality of being one of the last single children of the family. I watched my siblings with their spouses and with their beautiful little families and I couldn't help but feel like I was still missing something. Yes, I was happy, but I still wanted to get married. What had changed, however, was that I now knew the reason why.

January 2, 2012 I wrote in my journal, "I need to find a husband, not just because I need to get married and have a family like a good Mormon girl, I need to get married and have a family because it will help me be a better disciple of Christ. . . .People are the material of our molding. We need each other to be successful followers of Christ. I need marriage, not because I am lonely without it; not because it is what is expected of me in my culture; not because of a whole lot of reasons that people conjure up when they desire to be married. No, I need marriage so that I can become more like Christ.

When I finally met Beto (my "one and only"), one of the first things I noticed about him was that he was one of the most sincere disciples of Jesus Christ I had ever met. He loved people and he drew others to him with that love. He loved to serve and he loved God. (Plus, he was incredibly funny and handsome and . . . well I don't want to give too much away. I've got to save something for the next posts!) I know that we will face challenges and that neither one of us is perfect, but I know that with our focus on discipleship we can find happiness and make things work. So, from a non-dater who managed to find a really amazing guy, here is Lesson Number Two for finding your one and only: focus on being a disciple of Christ.